if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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