i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
