how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
