i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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