i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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