i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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