My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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