Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
