i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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