This is not my ceiling
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
