Where did you get a picture of my penis
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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