her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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