Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
