Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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