So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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