i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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