in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
