his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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