I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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