My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
