Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
