dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
