yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can text with my tongue
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize