batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
