If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
