i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
