i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
