You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
