Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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