Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
