I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
