I forgot how hot balto sounded
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You need Xanax blowdarts
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
