Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
