I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The air was thick with penises
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
