I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
