A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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