Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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