Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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