Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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