I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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