We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
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