I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Acid is not a monday night drug
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
it's like heaven, but drunker
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
