You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
