Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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