you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
