Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
