just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
