I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
