I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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