Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
