I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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