I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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