So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
