There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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