i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
