I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
