i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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