Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
