My girlfriend figured out who you are.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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