I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
