Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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