Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
