There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Are we still banned from the library?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
