Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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