I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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