just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
