so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
